mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
