weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Someone came in the potted fern
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
