I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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