my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
