Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
