He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
