Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Two words: blizzard sex
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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