I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
