Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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