i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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