Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
