If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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