He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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