onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
