my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish you could order shots online.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
