I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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