I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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