just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
