I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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