I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize