guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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