I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
