saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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