Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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