Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
