I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize