No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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