stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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