if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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