I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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