I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
