I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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