never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize