We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
