She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
