How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
