I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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