Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
