I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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