meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
