Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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