I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize