she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
