a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
