did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize