Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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