His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
