How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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