Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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