so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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