im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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