I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
