Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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