It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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