i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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