Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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