I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
