i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
