Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
