i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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