I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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