Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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