Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize